Unseen, unsought, uncertain

Have you read Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge? If not, it is a great read for women and men. I read an excerpt from the book today that really struck me again especially in light of all God has been speaking to me lately. He has been combating the feelings/emotions she mentions. Here, let me let you read it yourself -

"I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too mess. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.

After all, if we were better women - whatever that means - life wouldn't be so hard. Right? We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought - that no one has the passion or the courage to purse us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain - uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.

Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us - whether from a driven culture or a driven church - is: Try harder."

How true - we are pushed and prodded to do this or that or be this or that. I know I can relate to what she said...I've felt unseen, unsought and uncertain all in the last week! God has been shedding light on my heart and showing me His truth in regard to all of it. How thankful I am that while I may feel some of these things, I am NEVER unseen or unsought by the Lord. Of that, I am certain.

Knocking me off my game

God knocked me off my game - I am a gal who loves (LOVES) order and plans and schedules. I am not much of one for flying by the seat of my pants; and, truthfully, I can get pretty rattled when plans go awry. So having kids has been quite an adventure for me. Child #1 fit pretty well into my routined-life. I didn't have to work too hard to get him on a schedule - he did most of it himself. It was nice. I knew when I could run errands or schedule pictures. I knew when I could clean and do other chores. The only con to it was #1 wasn't too flexible. No bath in the morning would most likely mean a rough rest of the day, and I had to be home for naptime or it would be an awful night. Then came child #2...a child who seems to love flying by the seat of her pants. It's been 10 weeks and only the last two nights have I seen anything close to a routine...wait, unless you count the days upon days of endless crying. I guess she did have a routine: eat, cry, cry louder, sleep in someone's arms, eat, cry, cry louder, sleep in someone's arms...

God knocked me off my game with her, and I needed it. I read a devotion on crosswalk.com that seemed to summarize some of what He has been telling me over the last couple of weeks. She talked about how we often rely upon our own methods and practices instead of focusing on our Master. When we focus on being on top of our game, our ego swells as we take pride in having it all figured out (GUILTY). She heard a preacher recently say that EGO stands for "Edging God Out." Ouch. I often do that without realizing it. I rely upon my plan or agenda (I am a list gal who writes most everything down) instead of seeking God when I need help. I recently said to Clay, "I just feel like I can't get anything accomplished." Underlying that sentiment was a great feeling of failure that I haven't gotten it all back together after having child #2. I loved the quote from the devotion, "Methods are good, but a close relationship with the Master is infinitely better." God has been revealing to me how I depend upon myself to figure it all out. I am often selfish instead of seeking how He would have me spend my day. I get frustrated when something "interrupts" my agenda. While I do need to be somewhat organized (God is not a God of disorder), it is more important for me to have a peaceful, Christ-centered attitude. I won't win any awards with God for having the neatest house, an alphabetized pantry, a color-coded closet, or everything marked off my to-do list at the end of the day; but I would be teaching my children that our temporary home is of more importance than seeking God. So my game is changing because the lessons I want to teach my children are about seeking His face, serving others, and loving God with all their hearts, minds, and souls. There is no proven method for rearing Godly children, which frightens me, because they will have to make their own decisions along the way. So, I'm knocked off my game and entering one with only one thing in the handbook: Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness.

So for those who know me well, you may see some changes in how I approach life - at least I hope you do. Don't worry - I'm not losing my mind, just releasing control.

Conviction

For those so eager to hear what I have to say, I'm sorry for my silence. God placed me in His refining fire last week, and I am still in the heat. I'm not at a place to share what He has been doing, and I might not ever write about here. Know that my silence isn't God's silence in my life, but simply a time that I need to focus on what He is saying instead of talking to you. Transformation...the current theme of my life.

He has no favorite child

This weekend while reflecting upon what our Savior suffered for me I realized I had been living with the wrong focus. See, I am a rules gal. While as a teen I often liked to push the limits on the rules and even break them, I was legalistic about my religion. It wasn't until college that I began to loosen my grasp upon the moral code I thought should be followed and focus on my personal relationship with God (and thus began to give everyone else a bit of a break too).

However, I realized this weekend that I have still been holding on to a bit of that legalistic mindset. I know that I am forgiven by Him and that nothing I can do will save me. It is only by His blood that I can stand in front of Him complete one day. Regardless how often or how little I screw up, I need His grace to avoid death. This weekend, though, I realized that I have still been living to gain greater acceptance by God - like trying to become His favorite child. Instead of living my life out of appreciation and thankfulness for what He did for me (and continues to do), I have been living to get an "A" in the subjects of my life - wife, mother, daughter, friend, church member, etc. What faulty thinking and living! God has no favorite child. He won't love me any more or any less based on how I live. He loves me as I am. He loves you just as much. It doesn't mean I should stop trying to please Him, but it means my motivation changes. And God looks at the heart.

That was my Easter lesson. What did He say to you?

He's not like the shifting shadows

"Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

James 1:16-17

He does not change. I know that, but do I really KNOW it and TRUST it? God doesn't wake up on the wrong side of the bed. God isn't hormonal. God isn't offended by something today that didn't bother him yesterday. He isn't swayed by the current popular movement. He is constant. He is the same God who created the world and the Garden of Eden. He is the same God who was so angry at the sin of His people that He wiped them off the face of the earth by a flood. He is the same God who parted the Red Sea. He is the same God who sent His only Son down to save us. He is the same God who tore through the temple. He is the same God who walked to His own death for our ransom. He is the same God who knit me together in my mother's womb. He is the same God who covered my sins when I called out to Him. He is the same God who provided an open door so I could flee temptation. He is the same God who asked us to wait three years for a child and then blessed us with another one just 19 months later. He is the God who loves me regardless - although He longs for me to simply love Him and praise Him. He isn't always the God I want (meaning He doesn't always do things the way I want), but He is the God I seek. Shouldn't it be a lot easier for me to place my life in His hands knowing He is still the same? I don't need to question His character - I have lots of evidence of it. My faith should be strong because the One I put my faith in does not change like shifting shadows.