Seeing James through fresh eyes

I'm reading James right now. Not a new book to me by any means; but this time I am trying to take it piece by piece and really chew on it. It's a book I'm so familiar with that I often fail to really "see" what it is saying.

Start with verse 2: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,"

Pure joy? Why must he describe joy? Probably because many of us don't have pure joy - I know I often don't. We may be happy for someone or joyful about some situation, but there can be an underlying current of pride or judgment. I know I experienced this a lot while we were waiting to get pregnant and others around us kept beating us to the punch. Was I happy for them and the blessing they received? Sure, but I wasn't purely joyful because I was envious. I wanted what they had. There were brief moments during those 3 years that I could see the benefits of the trial of infertility, but I was rarely joyful about walking that road. No, I was NEVER joyful about walking that road. And that was simply a "trial" of not getting what I wanted...I was never hurt, I was never without my needs. How selfish am I?

Then verses 3 & 4 talk about trials developing perseverance and perseverance allows us to be mature and complete. If that's the case, then I am far from mature and complete! I can hardly make it through one of my daughter's fussy days without losing my cool at some point. But I should desire perseverance because I desire to be mature in Christ.

Verse 5 encourages me to ask God for wisdom. Man, I've been doing that constantly these days. Seeking His wisdom and creativity in how to best care for a colicky little girl and still give my son what he needs. But I LOVE that it says God gives generously to ALL without finding fault. So I needn't fear if I've screwed up already that day, He will still give me the wisdom I seek.

Verses 6-8 are really convicting to me because I am often that double-minded man. I know during our infertility years I repeatedly asked God to bless us with a child; but as I look back I realize that I often didn't believe He would choose to do so. I knew He could, but I doubted He would. I doubted He loved me that much. I doubted He would choose to reveal His glory and power in just such a way; and therefore, I was a roller coaster of a mess during those years. One day I was strong and trusting and content with whatever He had for us. The next day (and sometimes just the next hour) I would be in the pit of despair questioning His love and struggling with lack of desire to even talk to Him. I was blown and tossed around by my circumstances...just like the leaves on this windy day. There are many days right now that I am not anchored down and my daily surroundings greatly affect my mindset and heart. The days I fail to sit at His feet or speak to Him throughout the day are days I get easily frustrated and discouraged. And even when I sit at His feet, I often fail to truly trust that HE will give me what I need. I look to my own understanding and my own abilities to make it through the day instead of leaning on Him. I must believe He is who He says He is and He can do what He says He can do.

Nothing new...studied this before, but I'm still learning. My prayer is that this time I will "get it" more than I did the previous thousand times I've read it!