God is good

I've been silenced today with the reminder of the myriad of blessings I have been given in my family. My blessed husband who spent the last 3 days helping rebuild a church in New Orleans. My adorable children who challenge and humble me. We spent many moments today singing praise songs to Jesus - something my son loves to do. I love his love for singing and that he'll join me in dancing for our Lord.

Love Jesus, sweetheart. Love Jesus, my babies. Love Him with complete abandon. This is the cry of my heart.

Only Me

I had one of those moments today when I began to feel the world close in around me. This wasn't a big moment, but it was still beginning to suffocate. My mind immediately went to whom I could call to ask for prayer (I even dialed a number)...then I thought about sending an email to my gaggle of gals who pray so faithfully for me...then I thought about calling my husband asking him to come home early to make it all okay...and then I heard a voice inside reminding me that none of those options was the right one. I just stopped in the doorway of my kitchen crying out to my God with tears running down my face. "I can't do it anymore. I have to let go, and YOU are the only One that can help me do that."

How many times I've prayed those words; yet I still struggle to release complete control to Him. One pebble at a time and the mountain will be moved. I do consider it a victory that I cried out to Him, and Him only, instead of seeking solace from others.

Speaking through fleas

Have you ever tried to get rid of fleas? My first experience with this has been over the past couple of weeks. Here is a quick recap of what we have tried:

1. Bought over-the-counter monthly flea stuff for the dog
2. Applied it twice in one month
3. Got dog dipped at groomers
4. Had home and yard treated (fortunately at no cost since we are Terminix customers) - this involves vacuuming all furniture, washing or exposing of dog bedding, moving everything off the floor, thoroughly vacuuming all floors before they treat, then vacuuming every day after that for a week. Don't forget being gone from the house for 4 hours.
5. Buying flea shampoo and spray...bathing the dog as often as the shampoo allows and spraying the furniture.
Next step: getting the expensive stuff from the vet to treat her monthly now that 2 weeks have passed since the last dose - we didn't want to poison her!

I am so annoyed that I still find fleas, but they appear to almost indestructible. God has used this experience to speak very clearly to me...I know, you are wondering how God could speak through fleas!!!

As I labored vacuuming our floors and baseboards a couple of weeks ago preparing for treating our home, I was amazed at the dust/dirt that was hiding. Some of it wasn't really hiding, but I had simply ignored it for too long. Once the house was ready I simply waited upon the arrival of the Terminix man to do the heavy duty stuff. God reminded me how my heart and life can be just like my house. There are areas I don't tend to because they aren't readily visible to others. There are areas that get overlooked because I see them every day...and their unsightliness happens over a period of time. Just as my house needs a good deep cleaning each year along with regular cleaning, my heart, mind and soul require the same attention. Just as I didn't feel my house was really dirty until those pesky little creatures starting biting me, I often don't feel I am dirty until my anger/jealousy/bitterness/judgmental spirit begins to creep into my talk or my actions or becomes all consuming. Upon closer look, I soon realize how bad things have gotten thanks to my indifference on a daily basis. I have to spring clean my heart, mind and soul as well as tend to it on a regular basis; however, there are certain things that only the Professional can take care of...and that requires me to wait on Him.

And it isn't always a one-time treatment fix...sometimes I have to revisit the issue before it is truly gone. Fortunately the Professional will make as many house calls as I need!

God's Eyes

God’s Eyes
By Melanie Chitwood (from Encouragement for Today online devotional)

”For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.” 2 Chronicles 16:9 (NIV)

One of my favorite things to do is watch my twelve-year-old son Zachary play basketball. I’m his biggest fan. Even though he’s at an age when he’s easily embarrassed, I cheer as loudly as I can knowing my cheers encourage him. When I’m watching his game, I am completely focused on my son.

This is how God looks at each one of us. We, His children, are the focus of His attention. The Bible tells us in 2 Chronicles 16:9 exactly who God focuses on and why: “the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him.”

God’s focus is on “those whose hearts are fully committed to Him.” I can just imagine God’s eyes searching for the woman who would become the mother to his son Jesus. Then He sees Mary, nods His head and says, That’s the one. I can imagine God searching for the person to have faith to build the Ark even though he’s never seen a drop of rain. Then He sees Noah, nods His head, and says that’s the one. Imagine Him searching for the person who would persevere in the wilderness for forty years. He sees Moses, nods his head, and says that’s the one

What are your thoughts as you imagine God’s eyes resting on you? Sometimes I’ve been unsure and even afraid of God’s eyes resting on me. I look at my failures and think I don’t measure up, that I won’t be the one God’s looking for. I see so clearly the days when I’ve selfishly thought of my own needs, instead of my husband’s. I see the days when I’ve spoken harsh words to my children, instead of responding with patience. I remember times when I’ve judged or criticized other women.

We have to be careful not to make this mistake. We have to believe what is true, not the lies and accusations of the enemy. God is not looking for the woman who’s perfect or serves in the most ministries. He’s not looking for the woman who never misses a quiet time with Him or who never doubts.

God is looking for the woman who’s fully committed to Him, a woman like you or me, whose heart is saying yes to God. Yes, I’ll love my husband for You, Lord. Yes, I’ll turn off the TV to read a Bible story to my kids. Yes, I’ll call a friend to encourage her. And yes, when I fail to do what You want me to do, I’ll confess my sin, receive Your forgiveness, and press on in faith.

God is our greatest cheerleader, not our greatest critic. When His eyes light on His children, they are eyes of compassion and lovingkindness, not criticism or judgment.

The verses in Chronicles tell us why God looks for us: He wants to strengthen us. His attention on His children is like that of a parent cheering in the stands. God’s focus says, You can do it! I believe in you!

So how do we become a woman fully committed to Him? Not by pretending we have no fear, relying on our own strength, or by striving to be perfect. We sit at His feet and worship and adore Him, thanking Him for the blessings in our lives. We pour out our hearts in confession to the Lord, read His word and obey His commands.

Then our hearts will be knit with His, and we will be women fully committed to Him. When God’s eyes search the whole earth, they’ll stop on us, He’ll nod His head, and He’ll say, “They’re the ones”.

A twist on an oldie

Music speaks to me. It can touch places in my soul that just about nothing else can. Yesterday we sang a song after a powerful sermon that did just that. It's a twist on a very familiar hymn, and I thought I would share the words (I especially love the refrain repeated at the end):

I hear the Savior say
"Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all."

Jesus paid it all.
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

Lord, now indeed I find
Thy pow'r, and Thine alone,
Can change a leper's spots
And melt the heart of stone.

Jesus paid it all.
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete
"Jesus died my soul to save"
My lips shall still repeat.

Jesus paid it all.
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

O praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.
O praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.

O praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.
O praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.

Why me?

I met another sister in Christ tonight trying to get pregnant again. After a long battle with infertility, God blessed her and her husband with a little boy in August 2005. They long to increase their family again, but know the road could be long. Another name added to the sisters I pray for almost daily. How I long for them each to be protected from the heartache and pitfalls I experienced.

As I drove home pondering our conversation and admiring the clear night sky, I found myself asking God why He chose to bless us as He did. Funny, I used to ask the "why me?" question when I wondered if we would ever have a family. Now, I am so humbled that He has doubly blessed us with these two amazing children...and our road was no where near the struggle others have walked. How dare I ever complain about sleepless nights or toddler attitudes. Shame on me. The only words that came to mind were:

Indescribable, uncontainable, You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable, You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God

Never Give Up on Me

This song spoke to me the first time I heard it while watching Facing the Giants, and again the other day it touched my soul as God reminded me that He never gives up on me. If you would like to listen to it, simply visit: http://www.myspace.com/joshbatesmusic (you will have to select the song on the player).

Time after time You've been left behind
Like the sun when it's starting to rain
Time after time You've been forgotten
Like a picture that's faded with age
Time after time You ran after me
When I was still running away

You never give up on me
No, You never give up on me
Though I'm weak You are strong
You told me I still belong
No, You never, never give up on me

Time after time I've used Your grace
As a way to do what I please
I've taken for granted
Prayers that You answered
And never been all I could be
You are holding out Your hands
And now I clearly see

You never give up on me
No, You never give up on me
Though I'm weak You are strong
You told me I still belong
No, You never, never give up on me

You always erase all my mistakes
You lift me up when I'm down
Through all the ages Your love never changes
You welcome me just as I am

You never give up on me
No, You never give up on me
Though I'm weak You are strong
You told me I still belong
No, You never, never give up on me
Never give up, never give up on me

Ezer kenegdo

This is from the Ransomed Heart by John Eldredge, page 94. It hit this control-freak with much force!

Eve is given to Adam as his ezer kenegdo - or as many translations have it, his "help meet" or "helper." Doesn't sound like much, does it? It makes me think of Hamburger Helper. But Robert Alter says this is "a notoriously difficult word to translate." It means something far more powerful than just "helper": it means "lifesaver." The phrase is only used elsewhere of God, when you need him to come through for you desperately. "There is no one like the God of Jeshurun, who rides on the heavens to help you" (Deut. 33:26). Eve is a life giver; she is Adam's ally. It is to both of them that the charter for adventure is given. It will take both of them to sustain life. And they will both need to fight together.

Eve is deceived...and rather easily, as my friend Jan Meyers points out. In The Allure of Hope, Jan says, "Eve was convinced that God was withholding something from her." Not even the extravagance of Eden could convince her that God's heart is good. "When Eve was [deceived], the artistry of being a woman took a fateful dive into the barren places of control and loneliness." Now every daughter of Eve wants to "control her surroundings, her relationships, her God." No longer is she vulnerable; now she will be grasping. No longer does she want simply to share in the adventure; now she wants to control it. And as for her beauty, she either hides it in fear and anger, or she uses it to secure her place in world. "In our fear that no one will speak on our behalf or protect us or fight for us, we start to recreate both ourselves and our role in the story. We manipulate our surroundings so we don't feel so defenseless." Fallen Eve either becomes rigid or clingy. Put simply Eve is no longer simply inviting. She is either hiding in busyness or demanding that Adam come through for her; usually, an odd combination of both.

Full circle

The other morning as I began to pray for a friend who longs to have a child, I realized what an honor God has given me. You see almost 4 years ago we asked our LifeGroup to pray for us as we longed for a child. We had been trying for 18 months with no success and were beginning the medical road to figure out what was going on. These blessed friends, along with many others, rallied around us for another 2 years praying God would give us the desire of our hearts, and then rejoiced with us as we welcomed our blessed gift into our lives. Nineteen months after greeting our son, we welcomed a daughter into our hearts. We joked that our friends had prayed too hard!

Now, I have the honor of praying for 4 different friends who desire to have a child. Some of them already have a child/children. Others wonder if they will ever know the joy of motherhood. What an awesome privilege to take the cries of their hearts to the One who so abundantly loves us all. I can't think of a better way to thank them for the prayers they lifted on our behalf.

Father, grant them each with the joy of a child; but more importantly give them confidence in Your plan as they live lives that honor You. May they feel Your hand when overcome with longing, and may they know they are complete in You.

Humbled

Uncle Randy once said that if you don't use the gifts God gave you for His glory, the gifts will go away. For him, it was his ability to play guitar. For me, it is my ability to write.

As long as I can remember I have been known for my way with words. I recall being singled out in high school for the unique introductions in my papers (the best I think was using the analogy of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly when talking about the rise of the Civil War) and even being asked to write for Bible studies and a youth magazine. I get it honestly from two generations of women before me who also love the pen. I love to write - I would write song lyrics, poems, cards, and simple quotes. This love helped me breeze through my communication degree; yet as time has gone on , this love has become more of a secret love. It is the dream I held on to, but didn't really share. I would love to write a book or a devotional book. I would love to write short stories (my grandmother wrote many stories that were never published) or a novel. Not many people know that...because I have hidden that desire away for fear of being rejected or blown off.

Lately, I've heard a lot of praise about the use of words, about the ability to draw you in and tell a story, about gut-wrenching letters, and even encouragement to write a book. Humbling part for me? Not one of those things has been said about me.

I've been asking God why those comments bothered me so much. I know He gave me the gift of words for a reason, but I seem to have lost myself somewhere along the way. What have I learned? 1) I grew prideful of my ability. 2) I used my words for my own gratification instead of pointing others to Him. 3) I wanted the glory for myself (why I noticed nothing great was being said about my writing!). 4) I edit myself too much. I long so much to pen a perfect phrase or capture it the perfect way that I end up editing myself to death.

So I have been humbled as the use of words isn't as easy as it used to be...and I've been humbled as I realize that I haven't been all God wants me to be. Only God knows who might have been touched and shown His grace and mercy if only I allowed Him to use the gift He gave me.

Praise Him, Praise Him

I'm learning so much about praising God from my son. He learned a new song Monday that he loves for us to sing:

Praise Him, praise Him (imagine his little arms swaying back and forth in front of him)
All ye little children (now he is waving them up and down excitedly)
God is love (one arm a bit up toward God, then he touches his tummy)
God is love

Repeat

He gets so excited when I start to sing and his smile is from ear to ear! I think the best part is that I find him singing it at various times without any prompting from me. While we were on a walk Monday afternoon, I glanced down and found him doing the motions and saying some of the words all on his own. I have also found him singing Jesus Loves Me at random times. He will stop in the middle of playing to sing. He will stop walking to sing. He just feels like singing, and so he does. I know God's heart swells when He hears praise from this little one, and I know God desires for me to stop as well throughout my day to praise Him. My boy isn't too busy to sing, and neither am I.

Praise Him, praise Him, all ye little children. God is love. God is love.

I Surrender All

I surrender all (my hopes, dreams, plans, agenda)
I surrender all (my husband, my children, my family)
All to Thee, my blessed Savior
I surrender all (my home, my car, my money, my time - everything You have given me I lay before You)

Missing a plain ol' pity party

I miss my old pity parties. Why? I'm sure you ask. As God continues to reveal my seemingly unending selfishness and self-righteousness, my pity parties have changed. I used to feel sorry for myself and dissect how everyone else was wrong. I usually ended up pretty proud of how I would never handle a situation that way or whatever. Now, just moments after I get out the party hats and streamers, God begins to bring to mind how I am in the wrong and how I should adjust my thinking, attitude, or actions to bring peace to the situation. This brings me to my knees seeking forgiveness and yet fighting my flesh which demands my rights be taken care of first. I end up exhausted at the end of these parties and usually not feeling all that great about myself; however, I know that I am becoming more like Him which is why I am keenly aware of my shortcomings. Catch 22...but definitely worth the loss of such "fun" parties!

Unseen, unsought, uncertain

Have you read Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge? If not, it is a great read for women and men. I read an excerpt from the book today that really struck me again especially in light of all God has been speaking to me lately. He has been combating the feelings/emotions she mentions. Here, let me let you read it yourself -

"I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too mess. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.

After all, if we were better women - whatever that means - life wouldn't be so hard. Right? We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought - that no one has the passion or the courage to purse us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain - uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.

Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us - whether from a driven culture or a driven church - is: Try harder."

How true - we are pushed and prodded to do this or that or be this or that. I know I can relate to what she said...I've felt unseen, unsought and uncertain all in the last week! God has been shedding light on my heart and showing me His truth in regard to all of it. How thankful I am that while I may feel some of these things, I am NEVER unseen or unsought by the Lord. Of that, I am certain.

Knocking me off my game

God knocked me off my game - I am a gal who loves (LOVES) order and plans and schedules. I am not much of one for flying by the seat of my pants; and, truthfully, I can get pretty rattled when plans go awry. So having kids has been quite an adventure for me. Child #1 fit pretty well into my routined-life. I didn't have to work too hard to get him on a schedule - he did most of it himself. It was nice. I knew when I could run errands or schedule pictures. I knew when I could clean and do other chores. The only con to it was #1 wasn't too flexible. No bath in the morning would most likely mean a rough rest of the day, and I had to be home for naptime or it would be an awful night. Then came child #2...a child who seems to love flying by the seat of her pants. It's been 10 weeks and only the last two nights have I seen anything close to a routine...wait, unless you count the days upon days of endless crying. I guess she did have a routine: eat, cry, cry louder, sleep in someone's arms, eat, cry, cry louder, sleep in someone's arms...

God knocked me off my game with her, and I needed it. I read a devotion on crosswalk.com that seemed to summarize some of what He has been telling me over the last couple of weeks. She talked about how we often rely upon our own methods and practices instead of focusing on our Master. When we focus on being on top of our game, our ego swells as we take pride in having it all figured out (GUILTY). She heard a preacher recently say that EGO stands for "Edging God Out." Ouch. I often do that without realizing it. I rely upon my plan or agenda (I am a list gal who writes most everything down) instead of seeking God when I need help. I recently said to Clay, "I just feel like I can't get anything accomplished." Underlying that sentiment was a great feeling of failure that I haven't gotten it all back together after having child #2. I loved the quote from the devotion, "Methods are good, but a close relationship with the Master is infinitely better." God has been revealing to me how I depend upon myself to figure it all out. I am often selfish instead of seeking how He would have me spend my day. I get frustrated when something "interrupts" my agenda. While I do need to be somewhat organized (God is not a God of disorder), it is more important for me to have a peaceful, Christ-centered attitude. I won't win any awards with God for having the neatest house, an alphabetized pantry, a color-coded closet, or everything marked off my to-do list at the end of the day; but I would be teaching my children that our temporary home is of more importance than seeking God. So my game is changing because the lessons I want to teach my children are about seeking His face, serving others, and loving God with all their hearts, minds, and souls. There is no proven method for rearing Godly children, which frightens me, because they will have to make their own decisions along the way. So, I'm knocked off my game and entering one with only one thing in the handbook: Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness.

So for those who know me well, you may see some changes in how I approach life - at least I hope you do. Don't worry - I'm not losing my mind, just releasing control.

Conviction

For those so eager to hear what I have to say, I'm sorry for my silence. God placed me in His refining fire last week, and I am still in the heat. I'm not at a place to share what He has been doing, and I might not ever write about here. Know that my silence isn't God's silence in my life, but simply a time that I need to focus on what He is saying instead of talking to you. Transformation...the current theme of my life.

He has no favorite child

This weekend while reflecting upon what our Savior suffered for me I realized I had been living with the wrong focus. See, I am a rules gal. While as a teen I often liked to push the limits on the rules and even break them, I was legalistic about my religion. It wasn't until college that I began to loosen my grasp upon the moral code I thought should be followed and focus on my personal relationship with God (and thus began to give everyone else a bit of a break too).

However, I realized this weekend that I have still been holding on to a bit of that legalistic mindset. I know that I am forgiven by Him and that nothing I can do will save me. It is only by His blood that I can stand in front of Him complete one day. Regardless how often or how little I screw up, I need His grace to avoid death. This weekend, though, I realized that I have still been living to gain greater acceptance by God - like trying to become His favorite child. Instead of living my life out of appreciation and thankfulness for what He did for me (and continues to do), I have been living to get an "A" in the subjects of my life - wife, mother, daughter, friend, church member, etc. What faulty thinking and living! God has no favorite child. He won't love me any more or any less based on how I live. He loves me as I am. He loves you just as much. It doesn't mean I should stop trying to please Him, but it means my motivation changes. And God looks at the heart.

That was my Easter lesson. What did He say to you?

He's not like the shifting shadows

"Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

James 1:16-17

He does not change. I know that, but do I really KNOW it and TRUST it? God doesn't wake up on the wrong side of the bed. God isn't hormonal. God isn't offended by something today that didn't bother him yesterday. He isn't swayed by the current popular movement. He is constant. He is the same God who created the world and the Garden of Eden. He is the same God who was so angry at the sin of His people that He wiped them off the face of the earth by a flood. He is the same God who parted the Red Sea. He is the same God who sent His only Son down to save us. He is the same God who tore through the temple. He is the same God who walked to His own death for our ransom. He is the same God who knit me together in my mother's womb. He is the same God who covered my sins when I called out to Him. He is the same God who provided an open door so I could flee temptation. He is the same God who asked us to wait three years for a child and then blessed us with another one just 19 months later. He is the God who loves me regardless - although He longs for me to simply love Him and praise Him. He isn't always the God I want (meaning He doesn't always do things the way I want), but He is the God I seek. Shouldn't it be a lot easier for me to place my life in His hands knowing He is still the same? I don't need to question His character - I have lots of evidence of it. My faith should be strong because the One I put my faith in does not change like shifting shadows.

Allowing our men to be men

Have you read Wild at Heart by John Eldredge? It is a fabulous book; and in my mind, a must-read for all men AND women. I learned so much about Clay and his inner workings from this book.

I was reminded today of the premise of the book as I read my devotional (also by Eldredge). As a Christian society, we have emasculated our men while trying to get them to fit into some "nice guy" mold. We've taken away their courage to explore, squelched their desire to fight, and encouraged them to separate themselves from their heart.

We need to let go of our ideals and what we think makes a good Christian man allowing God to ignite a fire again in our men bringing their hearts back to life. Only then, in my opinion, will we discover the passionate prince charming we gals dreamed of as little girls really does exist.

Easier said than done (at least for me)...sometimes I find it hard to understand or accept parts of Clay's "wildness" - the "wildness of his heart" that makes him a man. It is hard when it doesn't fit into the neat package I was told to seek as a child. It is hard not to wonder what others will think if they learn this or that about him. But when it comes right down to it, I would prefer him to be true to his heart and seeking passionately after God than conforming to some image created by another human. God created us in His image - warrior and beauty - and we need to allow all parts of Him to shine through us.

Seeing James through fresh eyes

I'm reading James right now. Not a new book to me by any means; but this time I am trying to take it piece by piece and really chew on it. It's a book I'm so familiar with that I often fail to really "see" what it is saying.

Start with verse 2: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,"

Pure joy? Why must he describe joy? Probably because many of us don't have pure joy - I know I often don't. We may be happy for someone or joyful about some situation, but there can be an underlying current of pride or judgment. I know I experienced this a lot while we were waiting to get pregnant and others around us kept beating us to the punch. Was I happy for them and the blessing they received? Sure, but I wasn't purely joyful because I was envious. I wanted what they had. There were brief moments during those 3 years that I could see the benefits of the trial of infertility, but I was rarely joyful about walking that road. No, I was NEVER joyful about walking that road. And that was simply a "trial" of not getting what I wanted...I was never hurt, I was never without my needs. How selfish am I?

Then verses 3 & 4 talk about trials developing perseverance and perseverance allows us to be mature and complete. If that's the case, then I am far from mature and complete! I can hardly make it through one of my daughter's fussy days without losing my cool at some point. But I should desire perseverance because I desire to be mature in Christ.

Verse 5 encourages me to ask God for wisdom. Man, I've been doing that constantly these days. Seeking His wisdom and creativity in how to best care for a colicky little girl and still give my son what he needs. But I LOVE that it says God gives generously to ALL without finding fault. So I needn't fear if I've screwed up already that day, He will still give me the wisdom I seek.

Verses 6-8 are really convicting to me because I am often that double-minded man. I know during our infertility years I repeatedly asked God to bless us with a child; but as I look back I realize that I often didn't believe He would choose to do so. I knew He could, but I doubted He would. I doubted He loved me that much. I doubted He would choose to reveal His glory and power in just such a way; and therefore, I was a roller coaster of a mess during those years. One day I was strong and trusting and content with whatever He had for us. The next day (and sometimes just the next hour) I would be in the pit of despair questioning His love and struggling with lack of desire to even talk to Him. I was blown and tossed around by my circumstances...just like the leaves on this windy day. There are many days right now that I am not anchored down and my daily surroundings greatly affect my mindset and heart. The days I fail to sit at His feet or speak to Him throughout the day are days I get easily frustrated and discouraged. And even when I sit at His feet, I often fail to truly trust that HE will give me what I need. I look to my own understanding and my own abilities to make it through the day instead of leaning on Him. I must believe He is who He says He is and He can do what He says He can do.

Nothing new...studied this before, but I'm still learning. My prayer is that this time I will "get it" more than I did the previous thousand times I've read it!