Humbled

Uncle Randy once said that if you don't use the gifts God gave you for His glory, the gifts will go away. For him, it was his ability to play guitar. For me, it is my ability to write.

As long as I can remember I have been known for my way with words. I recall being singled out in high school for the unique introductions in my papers (the best I think was using the analogy of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly when talking about the rise of the Civil War) and even being asked to write for Bible studies and a youth magazine. I get it honestly from two generations of women before me who also love the pen. I love to write - I would write song lyrics, poems, cards, and simple quotes. This love helped me breeze through my communication degree; yet as time has gone on , this love has become more of a secret love. It is the dream I held on to, but didn't really share. I would love to write a book or a devotional book. I would love to write short stories (my grandmother wrote many stories that were never published) or a novel. Not many people know that...because I have hidden that desire away for fear of being rejected or blown off.

Lately, I've heard a lot of praise about the use of words, about the ability to draw you in and tell a story, about gut-wrenching letters, and even encouragement to write a book. Humbling part for me? Not one of those things has been said about me.

I've been asking God why those comments bothered me so much. I know He gave me the gift of words for a reason, but I seem to have lost myself somewhere along the way. What have I learned? 1) I grew prideful of my ability. 2) I used my words for my own gratification instead of pointing others to Him. 3) I wanted the glory for myself (why I noticed nothing great was being said about my writing!). 4) I edit myself too much. I long so much to pen a perfect phrase or capture it the perfect way that I end up editing myself to death.

So I have been humbled as the use of words isn't as easy as it used to be...and I've been humbled as I realize that I haven't been all God wants me to be. Only God knows who might have been touched and shown His grace and mercy if only I allowed Him to use the gift He gave me.

Praise Him, Praise Him

I'm learning so much about praising God from my son. He learned a new song Monday that he loves for us to sing:

Praise Him, praise Him (imagine his little arms swaying back and forth in front of him)
All ye little children (now he is waving them up and down excitedly)
God is love (one arm a bit up toward God, then he touches his tummy)
God is love

Repeat

He gets so excited when I start to sing and his smile is from ear to ear! I think the best part is that I find him singing it at various times without any prompting from me. While we were on a walk Monday afternoon, I glanced down and found him doing the motions and saying some of the words all on his own. I have also found him singing Jesus Loves Me at random times. He will stop in the middle of playing to sing. He will stop walking to sing. He just feels like singing, and so he does. I know God's heart swells when He hears praise from this little one, and I know God desires for me to stop as well throughout my day to praise Him. My boy isn't too busy to sing, and neither am I.

Praise Him, praise Him, all ye little children. God is love. God is love.

I Surrender All

I surrender all (my hopes, dreams, plans, agenda)
I surrender all (my husband, my children, my family)
All to Thee, my blessed Savior
I surrender all (my home, my car, my money, my time - everything You have given me I lay before You)

Missing a plain ol' pity party

I miss my old pity parties. Why? I'm sure you ask. As God continues to reveal my seemingly unending selfishness and self-righteousness, my pity parties have changed. I used to feel sorry for myself and dissect how everyone else was wrong. I usually ended up pretty proud of how I would never handle a situation that way or whatever. Now, just moments after I get out the party hats and streamers, God begins to bring to mind how I am in the wrong and how I should adjust my thinking, attitude, or actions to bring peace to the situation. This brings me to my knees seeking forgiveness and yet fighting my flesh which demands my rights be taken care of first. I end up exhausted at the end of these parties and usually not feeling all that great about myself; however, I know that I am becoming more like Him which is why I am keenly aware of my shortcomings. Catch 22...but definitely worth the loss of such "fun" parties!

Unseen, unsought, uncertain

Have you read Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge? If not, it is a great read for women and men. I read an excerpt from the book today that really struck me again especially in light of all God has been speaking to me lately. He has been combating the feelings/emotions she mentions. Here, let me let you read it yourself -

"I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too mess. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.

After all, if we were better women - whatever that means - life wouldn't be so hard. Right? We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought - that no one has the passion or the courage to purse us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain - uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.

Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us - whether from a driven culture or a driven church - is: Try harder."

How true - we are pushed and prodded to do this or that or be this or that. I know I can relate to what she said...I've felt unseen, unsought and uncertain all in the last week! God has been shedding light on my heart and showing me His truth in regard to all of it. How thankful I am that while I may feel some of these things, I am NEVER unseen or unsought by the Lord. Of that, I am certain.

Knocking me off my game

God knocked me off my game - I am a gal who loves (LOVES) order and plans and schedules. I am not much of one for flying by the seat of my pants; and, truthfully, I can get pretty rattled when plans go awry. So having kids has been quite an adventure for me. Child #1 fit pretty well into my routined-life. I didn't have to work too hard to get him on a schedule - he did most of it himself. It was nice. I knew when I could run errands or schedule pictures. I knew when I could clean and do other chores. The only con to it was #1 wasn't too flexible. No bath in the morning would most likely mean a rough rest of the day, and I had to be home for naptime or it would be an awful night. Then came child #2...a child who seems to love flying by the seat of her pants. It's been 10 weeks and only the last two nights have I seen anything close to a routine...wait, unless you count the days upon days of endless crying. I guess she did have a routine: eat, cry, cry louder, sleep in someone's arms, eat, cry, cry louder, sleep in someone's arms...

God knocked me off my game with her, and I needed it. I read a devotion on crosswalk.com that seemed to summarize some of what He has been telling me over the last couple of weeks. She talked about how we often rely upon our own methods and practices instead of focusing on our Master. When we focus on being on top of our game, our ego swells as we take pride in having it all figured out (GUILTY). She heard a preacher recently say that EGO stands for "Edging God Out." Ouch. I often do that without realizing it. I rely upon my plan or agenda (I am a list gal who writes most everything down) instead of seeking God when I need help. I recently said to Clay, "I just feel like I can't get anything accomplished." Underlying that sentiment was a great feeling of failure that I haven't gotten it all back together after having child #2. I loved the quote from the devotion, "Methods are good, but a close relationship with the Master is infinitely better." God has been revealing to me how I depend upon myself to figure it all out. I am often selfish instead of seeking how He would have me spend my day. I get frustrated when something "interrupts" my agenda. While I do need to be somewhat organized (God is not a God of disorder), it is more important for me to have a peaceful, Christ-centered attitude. I won't win any awards with God for having the neatest house, an alphabetized pantry, a color-coded closet, or everything marked off my to-do list at the end of the day; but I would be teaching my children that our temporary home is of more importance than seeking God. So my game is changing because the lessons I want to teach my children are about seeking His face, serving others, and loving God with all their hearts, minds, and souls. There is no proven method for rearing Godly children, which frightens me, because they will have to make their own decisions along the way. So, I'm knocked off my game and entering one with only one thing in the handbook: Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness.

So for those who know me well, you may see some changes in how I approach life - at least I hope you do. Don't worry - I'm not losing my mind, just releasing control.

Conviction

For those so eager to hear what I have to say, I'm sorry for my silence. God placed me in His refining fire last week, and I am still in the heat. I'm not at a place to share what He has been doing, and I might not ever write about here. Know that my silence isn't God's silence in my life, but simply a time that I need to focus on what He is saying instead of talking to you. Transformation...the current theme of my life.

He has no favorite child

This weekend while reflecting upon what our Savior suffered for me I realized I had been living with the wrong focus. See, I am a rules gal. While as a teen I often liked to push the limits on the rules and even break them, I was legalistic about my religion. It wasn't until college that I began to loosen my grasp upon the moral code I thought should be followed and focus on my personal relationship with God (and thus began to give everyone else a bit of a break too).

However, I realized this weekend that I have still been holding on to a bit of that legalistic mindset. I know that I am forgiven by Him and that nothing I can do will save me. It is only by His blood that I can stand in front of Him complete one day. Regardless how often or how little I screw up, I need His grace to avoid death. This weekend, though, I realized that I have still been living to gain greater acceptance by God - like trying to become His favorite child. Instead of living my life out of appreciation and thankfulness for what He did for me (and continues to do), I have been living to get an "A" in the subjects of my life - wife, mother, daughter, friend, church member, etc. What faulty thinking and living! God has no favorite child. He won't love me any more or any less based on how I live. He loves me as I am. He loves you just as much. It doesn't mean I should stop trying to please Him, but it means my motivation changes. And God looks at the heart.

That was my Easter lesson. What did He say to you?

He's not like the shifting shadows

"Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

James 1:16-17

He does not change. I know that, but do I really KNOW it and TRUST it? God doesn't wake up on the wrong side of the bed. God isn't hormonal. God isn't offended by something today that didn't bother him yesterday. He isn't swayed by the current popular movement. He is constant. He is the same God who created the world and the Garden of Eden. He is the same God who was so angry at the sin of His people that He wiped them off the face of the earth by a flood. He is the same God who parted the Red Sea. He is the same God who sent His only Son down to save us. He is the same God who tore through the temple. He is the same God who walked to His own death for our ransom. He is the same God who knit me together in my mother's womb. He is the same God who covered my sins when I called out to Him. He is the same God who provided an open door so I could flee temptation. He is the same God who asked us to wait three years for a child and then blessed us with another one just 19 months later. He is the God who loves me regardless - although He longs for me to simply love Him and praise Him. He isn't always the God I want (meaning He doesn't always do things the way I want), but He is the God I seek. Shouldn't it be a lot easier for me to place my life in His hands knowing He is still the same? I don't need to question His character - I have lots of evidence of it. My faith should be strong because the One I put my faith in does not change like shifting shadows.

Allowing our men to be men

Have you read Wild at Heart by John Eldredge? It is a fabulous book; and in my mind, a must-read for all men AND women. I learned so much about Clay and his inner workings from this book.

I was reminded today of the premise of the book as I read my devotional (also by Eldredge). As a Christian society, we have emasculated our men while trying to get them to fit into some "nice guy" mold. We've taken away their courage to explore, squelched their desire to fight, and encouraged them to separate themselves from their heart.

We need to let go of our ideals and what we think makes a good Christian man allowing God to ignite a fire again in our men bringing their hearts back to life. Only then, in my opinion, will we discover the passionate prince charming we gals dreamed of as little girls really does exist.

Easier said than done (at least for me)...sometimes I find it hard to understand or accept parts of Clay's "wildness" - the "wildness of his heart" that makes him a man. It is hard when it doesn't fit into the neat package I was told to seek as a child. It is hard not to wonder what others will think if they learn this or that about him. But when it comes right down to it, I would prefer him to be true to his heart and seeking passionately after God than conforming to some image created by another human. God created us in His image - warrior and beauty - and we need to allow all parts of Him to shine through us.

Seeing James through fresh eyes

I'm reading James right now. Not a new book to me by any means; but this time I am trying to take it piece by piece and really chew on it. It's a book I'm so familiar with that I often fail to really "see" what it is saying.

Start with verse 2: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,"

Pure joy? Why must he describe joy? Probably because many of us don't have pure joy - I know I often don't. We may be happy for someone or joyful about some situation, but there can be an underlying current of pride or judgment. I know I experienced this a lot while we were waiting to get pregnant and others around us kept beating us to the punch. Was I happy for them and the blessing they received? Sure, but I wasn't purely joyful because I was envious. I wanted what they had. There were brief moments during those 3 years that I could see the benefits of the trial of infertility, but I was rarely joyful about walking that road. No, I was NEVER joyful about walking that road. And that was simply a "trial" of not getting what I wanted...I was never hurt, I was never without my needs. How selfish am I?

Then verses 3 & 4 talk about trials developing perseverance and perseverance allows us to be mature and complete. If that's the case, then I am far from mature and complete! I can hardly make it through one of my daughter's fussy days without losing my cool at some point. But I should desire perseverance because I desire to be mature in Christ.

Verse 5 encourages me to ask God for wisdom. Man, I've been doing that constantly these days. Seeking His wisdom and creativity in how to best care for a colicky little girl and still give my son what he needs. But I LOVE that it says God gives generously to ALL without finding fault. So I needn't fear if I've screwed up already that day, He will still give me the wisdom I seek.

Verses 6-8 are really convicting to me because I am often that double-minded man. I know during our infertility years I repeatedly asked God to bless us with a child; but as I look back I realize that I often didn't believe He would choose to do so. I knew He could, but I doubted He would. I doubted He loved me that much. I doubted He would choose to reveal His glory and power in just such a way; and therefore, I was a roller coaster of a mess during those years. One day I was strong and trusting and content with whatever He had for us. The next day (and sometimes just the next hour) I would be in the pit of despair questioning His love and struggling with lack of desire to even talk to Him. I was blown and tossed around by my circumstances...just like the leaves on this windy day. There are many days right now that I am not anchored down and my daily surroundings greatly affect my mindset and heart. The days I fail to sit at His feet or speak to Him throughout the day are days I get easily frustrated and discouraged. And even when I sit at His feet, I often fail to truly trust that HE will give me what I need. I look to my own understanding and my own abilities to make it through the day instead of leaning on Him. I must believe He is who He says He is and He can do what He says He can do.

Nothing new...studied this before, but I'm still learning. My prayer is that this time I will "get it" more than I did the previous thousand times I've read it!

Annoying alarms

I often read an online devotional geared toward women called Encouragement for Today found at Crosswalk.com. One statement in today's reading really struck a chord with me. The author, Melanie Chitwood, shared about a day she was busy preparing her talks for an upcoming retreat. Suddenly she heard an alarm going off in her house. I'll let her tell the rest of the story:

Thinking it had to be the smoke alarm, I raced upstairs ready with a plan of action: I would press the reset button, stop the alarm, and get back to writing.

When I got upstairs, I discovered it wasn’t the smoke alarm. Instead, it was the carbon monoxide detector blaring loudly.

I had forgotten we even had this type of warning device in our house. I only gave thought to the danger of carbon monoxide being in our house for about 30 seconds. To be honest, I was mostly concerned with getting this noise to stop so I could continue my work.

All I could think was I don’t have time to deal with this right now and that thing needs to stop! I climbed on a chair, reached up and fiddled with some buttons but had no luck in stopping the alarm. I didn’t think there was a true carbon monoxide threat, so I did what made perfect sense to me at the moment – I yanked that carbon monoxide detector right out of the ceiling. And sure enough; the alarm stopped, and I went back to my writing.

Later, as I told my husband what I’d done, he reminded me that there really could have been carbon monoxide in the house, and wasn’t I at all concerned about that? Well, no… but later when I thought about this whole event, I realized that ignoring the alarm paints a picture of our spiritual lives.

One of the benefits of being a child of God is that He will warn us when we’re entering dangerous territory. Just like the carbon monoxide detector warned me of possible danger in my house, God will warn us of danger in our lives.

God’s warnings come in various forms: a challenging word from a friend; a story from a pastor’s sermon; a still, small voice inside letting you know it’s not right; and the unavoidable truth of God’s Word.

We have a choice to listen to God’s warning or to ignore the warning, just like I did when I yanked the carbon monoxide detector out of the ceiling.

God’s warnings – like the carbon monoxide alarm – are for our good and protection. Despite this, we don’t always want to hear what God says, do we? What are some reasons we might choose to ignore God’s warning? First, we might be set on our own agenda. We have a plan and we’re sticking with it, even if it’s not necessarily God’s plan. Second, the situation might appear to be good. In our own understanding we can’t possibly see how anything bad could result. Third, we might just want to do what we want to do, not what God wants us to do, especially if deep down inside we know what we’re doing is sinful.

God stopped me dead in my tracks when I read she thought she didn't have time for the warning and how she successfully turned it off. How guilty I am of not having time for God's warnings...or even for the "interruptions" He has for me. MY schedule. MY plan. And getting off course doesn't go over well with me most days, and I will often do whatever it takes to stick to the original plan. I'm not a big one for flying by the seat of my pants. But just as her ignoring the carbon monoxide alarm could have been deadly, the cost is great for avoiding the warnings of God. There's a reason those alarms are so annoying...

Fight for your life

From The Ransomed Heart by John Eldredge, page 66 (which is taken from his book Waking the Dead, p. 12-13):

The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy;

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

(John 10:10)

By all means, God intends life for you. But right now that life is opposed. It doesn't just roll in on a tray. There is a thief. He comes to steal and kill and destroy. The offer is life, but you're going to have to fight for it, because there's an Enemy in your life with a different agenda...you were born into a world at war, and you will live all your days in the midst of a great battle, involving all the forces of heaven and hell and played out here on earth.

Fight for my life? That means I must be proactive. I must renew my mind daily and put on my armor. I must keep alert, ever watching for traps and temptations. Laziness can lead to injury. Passiveness will lead to a breach into my mind. I'm picking up my sword and shield...trusting He is leading the charge.

The reason for a second blog

God has been speaking loudly to me lately, and I shared a bit of that on my first blog. I realized that it may be best to separate into two blogs - one for updates and pictures, one for reflection of where God is taking me. So, we'll try it. You may not want to come back here, but it is a place I can externally process what God is saying to me. Maybe He will touch your heart and life. He sure is working on mine!